Now 28 and 24, my daughters lead exciting, rewarding and independent lives. How did they get that way? I don’t really know. But I will tell you this: when they were growing up, they cared more about their work and activities than I did.

When mothers care too much about their daughters’ lives, friends, schoolwork, sports and everything else, it can lead to a very unhealthy alliance. Girls feel incompetent and overshadowed.  Sure, our kids will always need parental guidance, instruction and support. And they will always need a standard of behavior to model. But as mothers we should not be our daughters’ sole mentors.

They need many experiences away from us, experiences that equip them to lead independent and happy lives.

What I think hurts daughters most are mothers who go to extremes –  either exhibiting avoidant behavior that disregards the child or teens’ needs entirely, or  excessive control that snuffs out a child’s interests. Neither help a young woman develop competence and achieve her potential.

My oldest daughter had me drive her to a birthday party once when she was in the fourth or fifth grade. We climbed in the car and drove off in the direction of her friend’s neighborhood near the elementary school.  Before long I asked her for the exact address. She didn’t have it. Was this my responsibility? My daughter had perfectly good organizational skills and I just trusted that she knew where she needed to be. We went back home for it (in the good old days before cell phones) and started over. No big deal.

This is how I functioned. Had I taken the responsibility for asking, “Do you have this?” or  “Do you have that?” all the time there is a strong possibility that she may not have learned to rely on herself to the degree that she did.

As a teenager in Civil Air Patrol (among other things) she took full responsibility for ironing her uniform before the weekly meetings. She would set up the ironing board in front of the TV after school, and crease her pants and press her light blue blouse to a nicely starched finish. It took a while, but that uniform was perfect – and I had no part in it. My job, I figured, was to put dinner on the table and give her a ride.

One day we were almost there when she noticed she didn’t have her CAP hat. She had to have the hat, she said,  so I turned the car around and we went back – both of us.  I didn’t drop her off first and return for the hat myself. It wasn’t my hat.  And I never stood at the front door before every meeting to ask if she had everything. It wasn’t my job.

Had I taken on that role, and undermined her potential for responsibility, I wonder if she would have enjoyed such a uniquely personal experience in CAP; and then Air Force ROTC in college, and then a stint in the United States Air Force, including a tour in Iraq? And would she now be in graduate school with an interest in PTSD and psychology? Hard to tell.

My younger daughter studied ballet. I had just come in from work one afternoon and was running late. She was upset because she had to get there in time to warm up before class. Was her dance bag together? Ah, no.

Whose job was it to do that? Not mine. She was about 11 at the time and the subject never came up again; no need.  I never told her to practice and never considered correcting her steps. It wasn’t my place.

I had all I could do just being a mom. I drove her to the studio, paid her tuition and fed her good food. Ballet was her thing, not mine. Her relationship with dance was between her and the teacher and I respected that. Otherwise she would have resented me for meddling with something that didn’t belong to me.

Ballet still belongs to my youngest daughter, and I support her choice. But I wonder how long it would have lasted if I’d badgered her about her turn-out and whether she had her part in the recital memorized. She probably would have ended up hating dance and hating me.

Girls need a chance to develop into involved, mature women. But when a mom controls her daughter’s activities or takes responsibility for them,  she steals the joy of ownership. Not only will the passions disappear, they may turn to bitterness and rebellion.

We moms need to remember that children’s spirits plays a role in directing their futures. It’s an exercise in faith. By showing our faith in them, in their ability to make choices, we help them grow.  FFG

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