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The Trouble with Harry: How a Kid Who Couldn’t Keep His Hands to Himself Learned to Settle

“Harry” was a hot mess when his grandmother brought him to me for remedial reading –  something I am qualified to do and found rewarding for many years.

It took all of three minutes to discover that the wiry six-year-old could not, or would not, sit up in a chair. He wilted and slithered down in his seat like a reptile, ending up on the floor.

I wondered how I could teach him.

Harry’s Mimaw was caring for him during the day that summer. She explained that he had been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.  Quite a line-up for a kid his age. But upon hearing Harry’s history, I could understand why.

He had been neglected by his mother, his grandmother told me. And emotionally abused by his mother’s second husband. But Harry adored the bleached blond, heavy-set woman – his bio-dad’s mom. He never wanted to leave her side. If she had not sought me out, I would never have seen Harry, or been able to help him.

Harry came to my house three times a week through the hot, sticky months, and after the school year started, I provided the language arts component of his curriculum. He continued making progress. Not only was he reading, but writing in cursive, which I teach in tandem with phonics and spelling . It’s a multi-sensory approach. Perfect for kids like Harry.

He learned to sit in his chair. No more reptile meltdowns  – although there were moments when he dissociated – just punched out of reality and stared into space. (Other times he thought he was a velociraptor.) And Harry absolutely could not (and I mean COULD NOT) keep his little hands from darting out and touching everything at least once – even a paperclip. the principal's office Harry had to repeat kindergarten. On his first day back to school he was sent to principal’s office for aggressive behavior, an omen of hard times ahead.

His teacher reported to his grandmother that when she gathered the children for circle time, Harry randomly touched everyone within arm’s reach, disrupting the lesson.preschool_storytimeMedium

His grandmother took me aside one morning after a reading session. “Do you have any suggestions?” she asked, obviously quite beside herself.

I told her that I believed Harry lacked nurturing touch. Especially from his mother. From what I’ve read, neglect – including lack of sensory stimulation – can definitely impact neurological development. But fixing that problem was out of the grandmother’s control.

Upon meeting Harry’s mother, I realized she was a self-absorbed, immature woman, and virtually numb to her son.

In my view, Harry’s need for touch was so great that he sought human connection by any means, even by harassing and hitting others. But it wasn’t OK for him to do that. He had to learn impulse control.

This was my suggestion to Mimaw:  “Ask the teacher if it would be all right for Harry to sit right at her feet during circle time. Ask if she would she mind very much if he held onto her ankle.”

Harry’s grandmother did what I suggested, and surprisingly, the teacher agreed.

The result was astonishing.

By clutching the poor teacher’s leg during circle time, Harry was able to control his impulse to touch the other children. Without the distraction, the teacher could do her job. Best of all, I think,  Harry didn’t have to be disciplined for aggressive behavior.

I imagine his connection with the teacher – that short time he spent hugging her leg – even increased his sense of self-worth.

If holding onto a teacher’s ankle for 15 or 20 minutes a day could change Harry’s impulsive behavior – at least during circle time – imagine what a 20 minute massage can do for a child during the first year of life. Touch provides body awareness, a sense of relaxation and well-being. All of which help prepare a child for a lifetime of enjoyable interaction and learning.

Around mid-year, Harry’s mother cut off all contact between the boy and his grandmother. And that brought our reading sessions to an end.

sad boy Apparently, the selfish woman realized the depth of her son’s love for his Mimaw – with whom he had not spent any real time before the previous summer.

I never saw Harry after that. There was no closure, although his grandmother called a few times, reporting bits and pieces she’d heard from various sources. It wasn’t good.

As parents, sometimes we procrastinate. We think we have all the time in the world (although some days can seem interminable). Sometimes we think, “I’ll massage the baby when I have more time,” instead of grabbing the oil and gently rubbing those chubby little legs.

Lea and LiamWe think, “I’ll read to him after this TV show,” instead of turning off the TV and snuggling up with a book. We think, “I’ll take him out for pie and ice cream sometime, so we can really talk.” But sometime never comes.

Who are we kidding? Now is the only time we have to pay attention to our children. As they race through the teen years, the time they spend with us dwindles, until the day they finally leave home.

Every bit of touch, eye contact, and focused attention that a child receives when they are young is like gold in the bank. It yields impossibly high dividends for years and years to come. FFG parent child reading

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