If you’re of the belief that kids can just wing it for 18 years, eat on the fly off fast-food menus and tuck themselves in at night, you’re probably not going to like this post. But if you really want help, read on.

Eating and sleeping are natural functions. So why would children insist on resisting both?  Entire books, workshops, webinars, and advice columns have been dedicated to these topics. Now I’m throwing in my two cents.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that we never had problems with any of our kids eating or sleeping. We didn’t beg, bribe, or use brute force. We didn’t use “sleep training” or any of the other manipulations experts tout. Neither did we let our kids “cry it out” nor put them in time-out.

How did we do it? It may sound simplistic, but we didn’t ignore our children’s needs from the start.  We acknowledged that meeting those needs was our job and that children’s needs change over time.

1.  Expectation is Everything. The media is always telling parents about the problems in order to sell them the latest solutions. If you anticipate a problem, there’s a chance there actually will be one. I always tried to keep a positive outlook.  Kids reflect what they see, including your emotional tone. Babies have “mirror neurons” that are constantly recording facial expressions and speech. How you “are” is how your kids are going to be. Parents might be surprised that in most cases they can set the tone for a better bedtime and mealtime simply by not expecting anything to go wrong.

2.  Establish Routines. Routines are important because they make children feel  protected and safe. Kids really want their parents to be in charge, so they can relax and not feel the need to be in control. This takes time, but establishing a foundation is worth it.

As a mom,  I wanted my kids to have a variety of wholesome foods in as natural a state as possible. So I decided the menu, and that changed daily to meet their nutritional needs.  What stayed the same was our mealtime routine. As babies and young children my kids were usually playing nearby while I cooked, sometimes even helping. We set the table and pulled up the high chair, or used a booster seat, for the baby. No one ate alone. And when they were teens, my kids never ate in their rooms or in front of the TV. We just never let it get started. Eating as a family was the norm. Dinner – and to a lesser extent, breakfast – were times for sharing and bonding as a family. And the kids “got it.”

At bedtime, parents need to set the tone. Have an age-appropriate bed “time” for each child and be aware of the time leading up to it.

Give them half-an-hour to unwind before popping them under the covers. No loud music. No TV. Have a little game, hold them in your lap, sing songs, read a story. Gentle touch is one of the most effective ways of inducing relaxation. Pay attention to the kids. Now is the time to start them off with beneficial habits for a healthy night’s rest.

When they were little, we didn’t bathe our kids every night. But they had to wash themselves or be washed. Often we let them have a little snack before going to bed. Nothing sweet. And then came brushing teeth. After that, pajama-time. We were with them every step of the way, helping or supervising . No yelling. No distractions. Once in bed, it was time for a song, a little story, and prayers. There was no set order of things. They might ask for what they wanted. But we didn’t allow the routine to drag out, either. And finally a big hug and kiss, and “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bit. See you in the morning!”

They had no problem with the idea that mommy and daddy went to bed later. Or that older brother got to stay up. Each one received his or her due.

3. Make Time. Today’s parents are pulled in directions their grandparents never dreamed of. Take electronic media, for instance.  The truth is, parents need to take their time when dealing with kids. Realize that your needs and their needs will differ, but that doesn’t diminish their need for relaxed, focused time with you.  It’s what you signed up for when you had kids! Saying “hurry up and eat”, or “hurry and go to sleep” is counter-productive. It sends the message that THEY are not important.  That THEY are not worthy of your time. The mind-set that you have better, more important things to do is one you need to quash immediately if you want your kids to eat their food and go to sleep without a fuss.

How do you stop feeling that you are going to miss out on something, or that there is something else you must do immediately instead of sitting with or “being with” a child?  It isn’t easy, but the following advice may help.

4. Make New Memories. Parents may not have pleasant memories of their own childhood experiences. Ask yourself what was missing when you were a kid.  That’s what your child wants, too. Recognize that you may not have had nurturing bed-time or meal-time experiences when you were a child.  If you become uncomfortable nurturing your child at these times, just breathe. (I promise you this works!) Acknowledge to yourself that you are uncomfortable. (You might want to tell another adult about your feelings later on.) But right then, when you think you’re going to have a melt-down, just sit with it. Keep your focus on your child. Hold your child. The discomfort will eventually pass. So read the bed-time story, sit with the kids at dinner and talk to them while they eat – instead of watching TV or doing a hundred other things that are calling your name. In this way you are giving your kids the focused attention they crave.  By eliminating the real reasons they were battling you in the first place, they will feel safe and secure and relaxed, and more likely to cooperate.

5.  Be flexible. Within your routine, there should be room for flexibility. (Remember, it’s having a predictable framework that makes kids feel secure and more like cooperating, not being arbitrarily rigid.) If your son hates spinach, it’s all right if he doesn’t eat it. You might have him try the green stuff prepared in different ways. But allowing one or two foods that he won’t eat doesn’t undermine your authority.  We’re all entitled to that. You can have a picnic on the floor, eat in the backyard, pretend you’re on a boat. It’s being together that’s important.

Years ago, kids sat at a separate table when company came, probably because there wasn’t room at the dining table. But that should not be your everyday routine. You can’t expect your children to learn manners and try new foods if they have no role models, except perhaps the television.

The same goes for bedtime -although you’ll want to make sure your routine is established. There will be times for sleeping in a tent and sleeping overnight at Grandmas.  Some nights their favorite pajamas will be in the wash.  Remember that kids are resilient, but only up to a point. They need parents to make their lives predictable and safe. FFG