Sarah practiced her audition piece upstairs in her bedroom, a song from a Broadway musical. A friend had encouraged her to try out for the school play, and now, excited and nervous, she hoped to quell the butterflies long enough to pull it off.

Suddenly her mother shouted from the kitchen, “You think you can sing? Well, you can’t!”

Sarah stopped cold. Her mother’s words felt like a slap in the face. She never did go to the auditions.

I thought long and hard about this list, because what we say to our children matters – for a very long time. Our words influence the people our kids become. Do you remember being encouraged as a kid? Or did someone deride your efforts, saying you were destined to be a loser?  The important thing to know is that parents can always change their game; do things differently to create the kind of communication that nurtures instead of defeats.

Here’s my top ten list of things parents should never tell their kids:

1. Just shut up. There are many variations on this theme. Be quiet, shut your pie-hole, etc. When we have babies, we should expect that they will cry, babble, learn to talk, imitate our words, and eventually voice their own opinions. Yet some parents silence their kids with a shut-up switch. A child’s voice is the outward expression of what is in his heart and mind. When we deny our kids the right to express their thoughts and feelings, refusing to respect and validate what they have to say, we don’t get to know them and they can’t get to know themselves. It’s as though they have to bury a part of them, a very important part.

2. That’s stupid. A big, big, no-no. No matter how you phrase it—you’re stupid, that’s a stupid idea, a stupid question, a stupid answer—it hurts when children hear it. Telling a child their ideas are stupid is another way of saying they will never amount to anything because they’re not smart enough. If what they think doesn’t count, they don’t count either; they’re not good enough. It’s like saying “shut up” with a poison dart.

3. You just need to work harder. This is about as non-specific and unhelpful as any advice I’ve ever heard. Yes, kids need to strive. But I think precious time can be wasted without a plan for working smarter. Something special happens when a parent comes alongside a child who is struggling to succeed. The child feels supported, as though someone offered him a lifeline.

Instead of getting angry with the child for not succeeding, parents can help by finding resources. Maybe the child needs better study skills to finish his homework. Check the library, go online and find materials that will help your child’s organizational and study habits.

But don’t tell him he has to work harder.

Here’s one more thing to consider: the longer a child continues to practice ineffectively, the longer it takes to undo poor habits—whether it’s reading, studying, practicing piano, karate or ballet. Do your due diligence. Get references. Find quality instruction. In the end, it pays off.

4. There’s nothing you can do about it. Not true—a lot of the time. If it’s raining outside, that’s one thing. If a gym teacher is calling the kids names in class, if your child was unfairly punished, if someone smashed his lunch box, etc. there is definitely something you – and your child – can do about it. All children need an advocate, someone who takes them seriously in order to right a wrong, find a way, or figure something out.

Some parents, because they did not have effective role models to help them as children, are not equipped to advocate for their kids. If that description fits you, think about finding another adult to help out. When a child has an advocate, he learns not to be helpless, but to take action on his own behalf. Whether it’s a bully bugging him or the desire to something extraordinary, kids need parents to believe in them and help them find a way.

5. Just get over it. In other words, the event never happened. How crazy-making is that? Expressing emotion about a trauma of any size is so important for children.

Here’s how I learned to deal with their upsets, whether from emotional or physical pain: give the child immediate focused attention. In other words, don’t be distracted by anything else. Offer gentle touch. Hold a small child on your lap, or put you hand on the back, shoulder or arm of an older child or teen. Make eye-contact. Look right at them with caring eyes. Use empathy. This means reflecting back what the child is feeling and affirming what she is going through. (It hurts …to have a cut; to be beat in the final minute of the game; not to be invited to the party, etc.) Kids need to process the unpleasant hurts in life. Not store them inside.

6. You should give that up and try something else. By this I mean that parents often undermine kids’ efforts to become good at something before they’ve had a chance to succeed. Perhaps what parents are really saying is, don’t do what you want to do; do what I would do. But kids need a chance to know what they want. And they need encouragement to discover their talents and passions. It’s okay if they don’t succeed right out of the box.

In his popular book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell explains that people who spend an inordinate amount of time practicing (think Bill Gates, Michael Jordan and the Beatles), become very, very good. Maria Montessori wrote that children will repeat tasks until they are absorbed and organized by the mind in a way that the child requires for future learning. Studies show that when toddlers’ mothers followed them in their activities instead of redirecting them, they developed better language skills. Even if a gangly, underweight kid decides he wants to become a professional wrestler, it’s not a waste of time to try.

If a child needs help, find a mentor who can take him to the next level. The time spent trying is never wasted. The end result may morph into something else, just five degrees to the right or left of his original goal. Often discipline is its own reward.

7. Do as say, not as I do. What I am talking about here is setting the example you want your child to follow. Otherwise your kids will know you are a hypocrite and lose respect. If you want your kids to wear a bike helmet, wear one yourself. If you don’t want them to smoke, stop the habit yourself. If your child wants to do something that is not age appropriate or legal at his age—have a glass of wine, for example, or drive the car up and down the driveway before legal driving age—be quick to tell him he is too young yet or that it is illegal. Be sure to talk about when he will be allowed to do these things. Meanwhile, sparkling grape juice, anyone?

8. Why should you get special treatment? Adults love to say, “If I let you do it, I’ll have to let everybody else do it. That’s just not true. If you go to a restaurant and want to be seated by a window, sometimes all you have to do is ask the seating hostess. Why is this important? You want your kids to have a proper sense of entitlement. Kids with a healthy sense of entitlement are not easily discouraged. Instead of accepting that they can’t do or have something because someone said so, they are resiliant and look for a way to get what they need. Everyone else may not want the same thing or even care.

I encouraged my kids to ask for special treatment or accommodations on many occasions, and they often got it. It’s how a kid ends up going backstage after a concert, getting extra time on a test or a scholarship. Sometimes all they need to do is ask.

9. You shouldn’t feel that way. This is one of my biggies. It’s so dismissive as to shut a kid right up and make them never want to share their emotions. Parents and children are both entitled to their feelings. But parents are the adults. They need to stretch a bit and allow the child to voice how she feels without judgment. I think this is very hard for some parents who were not dealt with empathetically as youngsters.

Really, all you have to do is listen. Say, “Mmm hmm. I see.” Imagine that you are on the same team: if someone hurt her feelings, know that it really happened. If someone stole her book, believe her. If she says she feels skinny or fat, she’s telling you the truth. All you have to do is acknowledge these feelings. Can you ask your child or teen if she wants help dealing with it? Sure. You can offer to brainstorm ideas or role play a situation. Then, if she wants your help, she will know you are in earnest about giving it.

Very young children need words for their emotions. If they’re crying, help them figure out what they’re really feeling and then help them find a solution: “You sound frustrated. Would a spoon help?” When you allow your kids to express their emotions, talk about what happened to them, they are better able to think about what to do next.

10. Because I said so. This is not playing fair. Kids deserve a decent answer. Besides, you want to foster thinking, not blind obedience. Kids who are taught to respond with a snappy “yes, sir” and “no ma’am” – because they’re afraid of what will happen to them if they don’t comply – are not practicing skills they need to be discerning. They may not be able walk away from a dangerous situation, like drugs or a pedophile.

If you keep responding with “because I said so” when your kids ask why they can’t do something, it’s kind of like unplugging the thinking process. What you may end up with is an angry kid who disobeys the second you aren’t around. Kids don’t require a twenty minute dissertation. Just an age-appropriate explanation. Pick battles wisely, don’t sweat the small stuff, and engage your child’s brain. FFG